awake awake

Lost

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

All I am now is lost. In my own head, in my own schedule and in practically everything.
I don't even..

Know what I'm too tired

Frequent.

2012-01-26T02:30:00.000+08:00

Many times my mind wanders into the depths where I honestly think is the line between sanity and insanity. When I brush my teeth as I stare into the black depression beneath my eyes. When I plug in my ear pieces while pressing the button for the lift and end up staring at my reflection. Every moment in any moment, it creeps quite naturally. (But you always tell me you'll be there)

I highly doubt my mind ever rests. Visuals, colours, vivid memories and emotions they all come haunting me back in my dreams. Lately it's been too morbid. I wouldn't ask for the details if I were you. But other times it jolts me awake with a pounding heart and watery eyes. (But you always listen to what ridiculous visions I have in my head)

But everyone's crazy in their own ways right? Even if it sometimes goes a little insane or irrational, it's still fine right? Because apart from crazy, I think I'm doing just fine. (Because you tell me it's going to be alright)

2012-01-20T01:30:00.002+08:00

You know what I am being fucking pathetic and just whiny. And I'm sick of feelings and how I can never control them. It's frustrating. I'm frustating. And I can't stand myself anymore. I just can't.

When the going gets tough,

2012-01-11T01:14:00.002+08:00

First of all, I miss you like crazy.
Second, I love you.
Third, you are amazing and you can do this.

Long-lasting.

2012-01-02T12:14:00.000+08:00

I used to wish for things that I never conquered or in a sense pulled through. But in my life, I knew certain people who had what I wanted and I would just never question their status anymore because of their commitment. I could never actually pull through with commitment without faltering at the end.
But this, that I have now, today, at this very moment, I think I have what they have. I think I finally know how they can afford to feel the same way about another person every single morning when they wake up. It's not some concrete formula when you know what you have and how things will become, but this, this is real and my gut feeling says to stay because it's worth staying. I know it's worth all that I have and I've never been so grateful.

I hope love really conquers all.

2011-12-29T12:57:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna steer clear
I'd burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there
So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore
I get lost on the boulevard at night
Without your voice to tell me 'I love you, take a right'
The ten and the two is the loneliest sight

I think I'm gonna stay, gonna stay in the gray
I think I'm gonna stay.
And all the streetlights say nevermind, nevermind
And the canyon lines say never you mind.
And the sunset says we see this all the time, nevermind, never you mind.

Wherever I go, whatever I do
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you
Wherever you go, wherever you are
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar

Seed of hatred

2011-12-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

It is a little too much for me to take to be honest. One person after another, all reminders of how much I disrespect them all. It was all in the past, but recently the things these people say and do are absolutely intolerable. I keep replaying the fictional scenes in my head of what I would say and what I would do, and I await this opportunity. It's sad to be honest, in not how the person has changed, but how i never actually knew them.

Irrelevant.

2011-12-01T22:47:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i forget how twisted a person can feel.

Life is a lie if this isn't love

2011-11-20T23:47:00.000+08:00

Words would pervert what i feel about you.
Pure, too pure.
Love, stronger.
These thoughts, feelings, clarity - i want to share with you and just you.
Because you are special (too special)
I want to hold your hand and say nothing,
maybe then you would know the content of my head and heart

So fathers be good to your daughters.

2011-11-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually changed
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

But all I want is for you to stay

2011-10-24T00:58:00.000+08:00

I am a part of your soul boy,
and when you say you're gone
I have to reach my arms outstretched to you,
cos I know we're through

So go away, go away
and leave me on my own
Go away, go away
and leave me on my own

Thoughts I can never make possible in my head.

2011-10-18T00:47:00.000+08:00

Another one of those nights where I just want to whisper to you that I'm right here over and over. That I'm always going to be here when your heart bears pain. What I feel for you is more than what I feel for myself and sometimes you make me whole than I ever will on my own. You need to know I will do anything within my will to keep you safe. Please don't think about leaving because you're going to leave me here stranded, stranded and helpless with nothing but my feelings.

Tomorrow

2011-10-11T02:16:00.000+08:00

It has been 41 days and much has happened but I am honestly thankful I am going back 'home' tomorrow. After much self-reflection I honestly think I'm not strong. I'm not strong enough to be strong. At least that's one clear thought I have in my tangled head. I don't know what to feel, what to think about but I suppose, it all gets better when I wake up later.

Selfless.

2011-09-26T02:18:00.000+08:00

I felt it, when I put myself second and all I wanted was for you to be okay. I still want to tell you how much you mean to me even if you don't need to hear it. Despite everything, I never loved you any less. I don't think I can.

nothing

2011-09-22T23:59:00.001+08:00

The point is.

2011-09-16T11:07:00.000+08:00

I can just go fuck myself,
and just die.

All the fucking time.

2011-09-16T00:04:00.002+08:00

"Like an almost full blown explosion about to reach its climax, but suddenly pulled in to form a black hole and then I am just left there, stranded, by my own feelings."

Face to face, typed conversations.

2011-09-12T02:39:00.000+08:00

It's the way she says your name isn't it? It rings in your ear like you're always hearing it. But you haven't heard the raw, sweet voice in days without distortion through technology. Takes you to a high when she says your name. Like you don't understand why you're so deserving, but you take every comfort in it. Two syllables, you never get tired of hearing it through the more than familiar lips. Sets you on alert every time, like your cheeks would blush a rosy red and your stomach would somersault. Hearing her say your name, you feel shy don't you? You can't believe it's you but you claim it. You love the way she calls out your name with that particular tone you've never heard anyone use before. It's the simplest thing. Saying your name, that sometimes is the only thing you wish to hear. You love her, you're glad you're not denying it. On top of it all, she loves you too.

When you're not home.

2011-09-11T01:30:00.002+08:00

It's been 11 days that I've been in China, and call me a wuss, but it's the longest I've been away from home, from loved ones and I still have another 31 days left. I miss home. I've been missing home for the past 6 days or so. I miss my cat, my sister, my sometimes irrational brother and my mother. I miss my friends, I miss my favourite person and this is quite amazing, but I do miss Singapore. I will not dwell into how we are all in a shithole here, I suppose it is not too bad and that it is getting better with time. But I am definitely counting down the days

The past four mornings or so have been dreadful. Every night when I shut my eyes to drift off, looking forward to another day, I wake up next morning with a heartache that burns. Like when we were children waking up to an empty house, worried, feeling like the world left. Every morning waking up to seeing a pair of denim shorts hanging dry against the white wall, hangers on a hook and two pieces of paper, one reminding me and my room mate about our keys and the other a count of how many days we have been here, those similar to the ones in jail. It's been painful for the past four mornings but yesterday morning has got to be the worst. The moment my eyes pinned on the view, I curled to my side and held myself together; literally. I wanted to cry but I was semi-conscious and it wouldn't have been justified if I did. But thank God for internet and Google Talk, the first thing I did was to talk to my most favourite person in the world and it got better, it always does. No matter, I hope I'll slowly get used to this heartburn and eventually get over it. And now I am under my blanket, it's autumn outside and Evanescence is serenading. I need to brace myself for the morning.

Loving yourself a little less.

2011-08-25T02:27:00.001+08:00

I never thought I would make you feel this way.
All i am now is hollow. Stab me and the pain will feel like one that i deserved. Stab me and i will stain the knife with regret.

The world as a map.

2011-08-09T02:52:00.002+08:00

Every time I close my eyes to stay strong as I hear your voice choke, I see a broken you behind my eyelids. A you I want to hold to keep safe from the hurt. Between conversations, the silence, I can only hope is comforting. If only I could take it all away, take it off your shoulders. I will not let you carry even the smallest of pain in your heart. Let me be an open cage to lock all of your heartache, let me be the replacement.

But everything seems better now. You're fast asleep, and I hope you're resting. Because the world is cruel and everyday is truly a battle. Nothing comforts me more, to have you in an arm's reach and to tell you I'm here, that I'm right here.

She will kiss your face and maybe forget.

2011-08-03T22:39:00.000+08:00

I truly cannot stand this distance of space and time. It's ridiculous how much withdrawal symptoms I have without your presence. It kills me to know how dreadful we both feel because of the kind of bullshit that lingers around. Well, on my side at least.
I honestly admit I have no purpose in this blogpost, I just need to vent my feelings out somewhere.
Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. Especially when I miss you.

Oh we're running to the fire.

2011-07-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

And how much can I exactly express in this limited space? How much of words can actually portray exactly what I feel? Do I even know myself of how I concretely feel? I remember I used to have days where I suddenly lose all of my faith in my life and I feel like I've lost everything before I was even dead. I remember those days I would bawl out of fear. The fear of not knowing, the fear of sin. But mostly as I curled up somewhere to be as insignificant as possible to the world around me, I cried because I was afraid. It is different because even while you are deep in your slumber and as I am about to slip into the darker chambers of my heart, I think about you and as cliche as it sounds, things turn back around. The tears have no avenue for escape and I seem to be tougher. I'm not saying I'm not afraid, I am afraid of a hell lot of other things than I already am but you just make it easier. You make it bearable, life itself that is. Because I don't recall somebody listening to my fully honest rants and still want to hear more. I don't remember a time where you wouldn't listen. And I love that about you.

Birthday.

2011-07-23T01:33:00.000+08:00

I have to say turning 18 this year despite it being quite bleak, it is definitely unforgettable. First of all, I was watching Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows Part 2 when I turned 18 with my favourite movie buddy and the movie just set me to tears at the heart wrenching moments, as it did in the book and I couldn't have asked for a better start to my birthday.

But let's rewind it a little bit. On Friday afternoon while I was waiting for Tania (which was all actually part of a plan my friends had) a bunch of lovely people came out of nowhere singing the familiar birthday song with a box of cakes in hand a present that I am much in need off. I was so under dressed that way it was horrible. But never the less, it was more than just joyful to see the people I care about care about me. Thank you guys for the effort and the lovin' you know who you are <3

There were a few things that I shameless asked for this year.
1. An umbrella with the world map printed on it
2. Compact from Body Shop (Because I lost my previous one)

And I got them both : ) I did receive a little more than what I asked for so that's a plus. Well it may sound greedy of me but I do have a few other things it would have been nice to receive, but they're not very important and I can buy them some other time.
And yes, you read that right. An umbrella with the world map printed on it.
Coolest umbrella in the world or what?

Today, in the wee hours of 18th of July, I feel content. With everything, despite the amount of responsibilities I have, the workload, I still feel content. I am just showered with that much love from the people who matter.

The moral here, I need to keep these moments in me alive when I'm feeling negative. Like if I were to conjure a Patronus charm, (Harry Potter Geek) this would be the memory or feeling I would recover. It's not going to be easy, but hey it's a start.

Rebounded pain.

2011-07-13T02:13:00.001+08:00

Dilemmas have never been so painful.

Parquet floor.

2011-07-12T01:56:00.000+08:00

You know what is sickening? When you are so dead tired on the train home, but when you're ready to go to bed you're perfectly awake. One of those nights. I have school at 9am tomorrow. I really wonder why I can't wake up early anymore when I used to for 10 years.

On another note, I might just have the vision of a perfect home : )

Home is where you are.

2011-07-07T13:32:00.000+08:00

When all of my time is either obligated on graded modules -that have officially ripped my soul out of my ribs, or spent on public transport traveling from home to school, every opportunity seeing you becomes amplified into moments of glory that's worth being paused, replayed, over and over. I almost forgot how comforting it was to have your palm against mine and our forearms touch. I almost forgot how liquid my bones go when our veins covered by mere skin comes in contact. Small dozes of your warmth, your smell -it aches to say goodbye.

Gratitude.

2011-07-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

First of all, Tania we need to stop taking ridiculous pictures and start taking more decent ones. So in the hot 3pm sun, Fad Ad (my advertising group) went down to the park opposite Thomson Plaza to shoot for our print ads and tvc commercial. I apologise if any of these words are jargon, but I am purely too lazy to explain.

No, I will not go into the excruciating detail of how we were burning and sweating beneath the merciless sun, rather I really would like to highlight that even in the most shittiest of all shithole situations, there's always somehow, another universal arrangement where the alignment of your fate is right. It is very difficult to be patient and wait for it to come (though sometimes you need to put in the effort to find it) but when it comes, it is just, beautiful.

Thank you Jason and Lincoln (talent and photographer respectively) for helping us out. I swear, if it were to be us holding the camera, the shoot would have never ended.
Oh just for the record, Jason Tan is a freelance actor/model/host if anyone is interested in hiring him.
Also, Lincoln Yeo is an extremely talented cinematographer who also does freelance filming/photography.

Hahahahahah how much more advertising can this post get?

Chubby friend.

2011-06-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

Even in the midst of all this vein bursting moments which comes in the form of deadlines and pressure, I still manage to conjure paragraphs of descriptive words in my head during certain blogworthy moments that I just never got the discipline to sit down and regurgitate it out in this stale web space.

I remember at this same time yesterday, I was so dead tired I could hardly move my wrists or fingers just to type on my keyboard. It's draining. Everything is draining, from the 9am classes to the lack of sleep. And within those short hours of sleep, dreaming. It gets tiring.

So it's going to be July soon and the one thing I am looking forward to is the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. But obligations, obligations, my plans might never even make it through.

I've been having such a heavy heart lately. For everything. Just certain things are falling into place but everything else is just.. It's sick how disappointment in one's self is the greatest downfall for a person.
I just need 2 things, to curl up, with you.

The Guilty Ones

2011-06-12T16:06:00.000+08:00

Photograph by Joel Lee

Backstage at stage right while waiting for scene 6, otherwise remembered as American Boy, yesterday night, one of the most impactful moments of TGO was between me and Iffah. She took my hand and looked at me with eyes adjusted to black, and said,

"This is the last time I'll be doing this (holding my hand), on set"

Just then, the boy's number came on.

TGO, meant something to the people involved, on a small or large scale, it meant something. Didn't matter if they were in it for a day, a week, 4 months, TGO touched all of us, one way or another.
Honestly, not much I can say about this whole experience because there is too much to say. To those, I didn't manage to write to into your coloured paper containers, please know you have all meant something to me.

"now that the play is over.
do not fret, do not hover.
love was found, it'll never be lost.
we'll move on, find a new cause.

for i thank you all.
i'll thank you forever.
but here, i welcome you all.
to the rest of your lives."

Quote: Zidd Aziz, the Scriptwriter for The Guilty Ones

A trail of ruby red and diamond white, hits her like a sunrise.

2011-06-12T15:51:00.000+08:00

Lights from the street lamps, yellow, as they pass through the transparency of the back of the car. Margins of a bright orange glow scanning down from your cheekbone to your chin, over and over. Your hand, light but secure, in mine. That slight brush of your thumb against the back of my hand. That moment and every other moment, as I trace the thin lines of your warm palm, your cheek against my messy hair, I could almost swear I touched your soul.

2011-05-16T03:05:00.000+08:00

and if my heart could break this is how it would sound. silent and cold. my skin's paper thin, you can tear me with a breeze. my cheeks would soak with tears, each drop full of regret. i'd shiver out of weakness with a stone cold core. regrets. i feel ordinary again. unsatisfied, unresolved, hurt. if time could some to a still, this feeling would stitch itself and i will be whole again. but stitching hurts, a needle through your skin. though i'd be numb by then.

The closest to your skin.

2011-05-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

Hollow like an empty vessel. No sound shall escape this sonorous cage, let it fill the vessel. Exactly it. Filled but with nothing tangible. Everything I could have asked for, in a heartbeat. Not another adjective could replace this word. This word when I feel, this intangible makes everything easier, like it's worth going through. It's a simple feeling. Pure, unadulterated. It's different, a good different. I wish you'd stick around for long, if not forever because forevers prove to not exist. If I was told to walk away, I would ache. I would ache to my bone marrows like ice biting beneath my skin. Hit me then and I will break. Hit me then and I would shatter into pieces. But I'd like to think of now and what I have in store tomorrow - that you make me happy, just happy.

Tears weighing a ton like your heart.

2011-04-29T15:59:00.000+08:00

My palms were getting moist from my body heat despite the cold. Hunched and helpless, I listened. My arms guarded, yours above your knees. Your eyes never stopped glistening. I could almost see your heart get ripped repeatedly out from your bare flesh as you just sit there, sobbing out of pain, out of confusion. Every chilly breath you took was so you could gather your words and string it to make a sentence. Before you spoke your lips would quiver and the sockets beneath your eyes would contain your tears carefully so they wouldn't trickle to your now pale cheeks. You would carry on this cycle, chilly breaths, quivering lips and a string of words. Until words weren't enough to explain, you would cup your face as I rest my head on your shoulder and my arms around yours. Lithe your fingers were as you wiped away the unconfined droplets on the bridge of your nose. It broke my heart. I kept my hands where they were as I looked at you and your lips quivered more violently now as you stumbled upon your syllables. Then a dashing trickle landed right on my forearm as you continued to fix your sentence. I held back my tears. I couldn't be weak, not when you needed me to be strong. The warm drop of liquid on my skin seared a burning ache in me. Having to look at you devastated, sorrowful it's a sight of torture. But it was good, I felt your pulse slow down, the worst was slowly fading. Your skin was pink again. On your shoulder I wanted you to know I was never going away, I could be there as long as you'd like. You needed to pick yourself up, so you worked a smile. I knew you would be strong enough. I never doubt your will.

Calcium.

2011-04-29T10:43:00.000+08:00

This is just rather funny. HiGoat. Really. On my facebook? Really? Okay so maybe I am just using this blogpost as an excuse to look like I am doing something useful in this current tutorial. Or maybe I am just trying to distract myself from the fact that I have a thought, just one specific thought in my head that will seize to vanish despite constant text-viewing and screenshots from skype conversations. I'd love to see you have a smoke behind your curtains again just so I can see you laugh.

Before all of what I feel grow stale into a distant memory.

2011-04-28T01:46:00.000+08:00

The traces from the tips of your fingers still lingers in my palm,
missing the warmth that came along with it.
With every uncertain step, I keep faith in you and me.
A risk I willingly accepted with everything but regrets.
That familiar scent, smothered on every inch of my skin
and the smile.
I could feel it in every corner of my mind,
in my every vein,
within my bones.
I can feel you in my bones.

Embedding.

2011-04-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

These past few days have been, I would say fruitful. I've settled quite a lot on my non-existent to-do-list and most importantly I have been spending time with this one person who could have used a lot of loving, Dyan Hidayat.

Went to Chinatown to get them TGO shoes from an uncle who truly lives up to the meaning of getting on your nerves and then we got some marvelous tea from Mustafa Centre (which I haven't taken photos of). After that was just more laughing about the jokes while we were at Esplanade, At The Waterfront where this band was performing. They were good.

And today, we accompanied Hidayah to shop for a bit and I ended up getting myself two rings and a top. I should really, not spend anymore I swear. I bought a top for Ira as well, hope you like it love <3

I'm looking forward to a draining week where I see myself barely surviving with the hugs I will be receiving from the people around me. But first, I want to get through tomorrow.

In a mess.

2011-04-21T01:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know if it's just the first week of school, or am I just flipping out. I seem to be lagging behind, but I don't even know if there is progress to begin with. I just seem, unfocused. And I shouldn't be. Need to gear up. It's not that I have no motivation or passion, I just, don't seem ready.

Ok I am going to stop now, and get to it.

Last day of your holidays with a best friend.

2011-04-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

This holiday was to me a failed attempt because I was suppose to work. However, after much attempting to penetrate into the still alien world of media, I have not succeeded. I am very sure most of my friends are in the same plight as I am. But that doesn't mean I am going to stop trying. I have to say though, this holiday was a little different, fresh in a sense, but still can be better. I guess the highlight would have to be going to Kuala Lumpur, Bukit Bintang where I managed to do a little bit of shopping and just satisfying the glutton in me.

And this is obviously the result of waiting for two middle aged ladies as they slowly analyse the racks for their perfect garment with the perfect colour, texture, size, yada yada yada. I think my brother will kill me for posting this picture of him.

Oh and we saw this lady making "chendol air batu parut" which means, grated ice chendol. Hang on, the translation looks.... Wrong..

In recent timessss, I performed yesterday and I think I did a fairly good job, my mission was to entertain and I did exactly just that. Thanks mom and sister for the support. Pictures are not up yet so, no pictures.

School is starting yet again tomorrow, and I am prepared to not sleep. Also, this time, I will no longer restrict this brain that has been held by an unseen chain for God knows how long. Though I think it has unleashed itself just a few weeks ago. Hmmmm.

Of course, before I go to bed, what would this post be without amusing car plates?

I am.

2011-04-16T03:37:00.001+08:00

I.SHOULD.JUST.BE.AN.OSTRICH

Infinite moments.

2011-04-16T01:46:00.001+08:00

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
So I won't

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out in this all wrong
She's standing outside holding me
Saying oh please
I'm in love
I'm in love

Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before it's too far gone
And before nothing can be done

'Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on

There she goes.

2011-04-12T00:58:00.000+08:00

To think about the way I could never be perfect in my own eyes. How could you ever see through my facade when all that I'm worth is stale flesh and bones. I am so flawed in more ways than one, but you are so beautiful. Flawed so beautifully. Come tomorrow, I will ache in every nerve of this system with the smile you left behind for the world to figure out, for me to figure out.

I'm gonna steer clear, burn up in your atmosphere.

2011-04-10T02:03:00.000+08:00

When the limit in your head thrashes you, it is truly difficult to shove aside your heart. However easy it was back then, it definitely isn't now. So caught up with the impending future but when am I ever going to see today? No where to turn to this time, not anyone. Just the cages of my skin and the never ending battle between the heart, mind and capital H. i. m.

To one of the most influential people I've ever met, Happy Birthday Iffah Rakinah.

2011-04-08T23:04:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Iffah Rakinah! I know I am not very very close to you but really you inspire me a lot (it started with looking at your feature writing masterpiece, which I cannot reiterate enough as brilliant). So yes, I am dedicating this blogpost to you! I hope you have a marvelous time turning 19! May you have all the happiness you wish for, blessed with uncountable blessings and just, be full of love as you are now. Not much to say already apart from, looking forward to working with you for TGO! : )

Hangover from the night before.

2011-04-03T09:04:00.001+08:00

Foals - Red Socks Pugie

Don't know why I am up a little too early. I am typing this as my fingertips slowly freeze into finger popsicles in McDonalds. All I know is, I am a little too hungry to function. It is definitely going to be an extremely long week ahead in which I am sure half the time, I would just feel like slothing. Oh FMS FBC, you will be epic, you slut camp.

SLUT FACE ON.

In another totally irrelevant note. Check out Iffah Rakinah's latest post on the 2nd of April. That post is just.... No wait, check out her blog. It's just the meaning of falling in love. Iffah you are AMAZING.

My stamina is like a ball of lard.

2011-04-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

Just listen trust me you'd find it relevant.

2.4km has never been a never ending journey in my life, except today. My lungs almost just burst into the thousands of bronchioles that they are in the midst of my feet-draggin-exercise-with-excruciating-pain. My stamina was sooooo horrendous I couldn't even breathe like a human being after the ordeal.

So anyway, NPAP preview is tomorrow and I want to kill it out there. But there will always be that annoying little parasite lingering at the back of your head, whispering something to my ear drums that something out there is left undone when there really is nothing. It is annoying I swear.

This goes to Dyan I love you and thank you so much for helping me out with the enrollment (most bullshit system because I have recurring problems with it). Go pay him a visit and let him know he is amazing.

Cigarette-stained lips.

2011-03-31T23:15:00.001+08:00

Mew - Apocalypso

Black waves come

And so fear me, December

Sinking in nolan time

I've lost all my pure feelings

The psychiatrist posing as psychologist

When fear predicts

Then doubtly the mind suffers

Are we talking?

White is the winter

Black waves come

And so fear me, December

Sinking

Waltz with me, courageously

We're dancing, dancing

We will not die

Our days are multiplied

And I'm happy again

Got kitties?

2011-03-30T17:36:00.000+08:00

John Mayer - All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

However true, but really everytime my iTunes is on shuffle and this song comes on, my heart just plunges so deep into the pitch blackness of my undisclosed self. My eye sockets would be containing the tears that emerges out of nowhere and my heart weighs a ton. I cannot even express how broken I feel upon hearing the first two lines.

"Just when I had you off my head, your voice comes thrashing wildly, through my quiet bed"

But no matter, this shall be a happy post. Above is the glorious seafood galore (and yes it is tom yam soup) that my grandaunt decided to cook up (of course with my assistance). So much seafood I know, that's the best part. The not so good part is cholesterol and hepatitis B. Not very glorious now is it? The longer we stay here the fatter I am going to get. Swear.

So for those of who whom I have told, yes Buttercup has given birth to 6 adorable little babies. Only three out of the six is available for adoption but fret not, if you are interested in purchasing these persian cuties, there are probably 7 on the way because we literally have another pregnant cat in the house. Also if you wanna know which are the kitties available, contact me.

Just look at it ^.^

Can you just say awwwww.

Talk of yesterday like bargain shoe string.

2011-03-28T23:09:00.002+08:00

Iron and Wine - Communion Cups and Someone's Coat

I suddenly remembered the dream that I had last night, it was sadistic. During that whole time, the vision I had was in black, white and grey. There was no colour. It looked like it was New York at 3am, raining, probably in the year of 1970. There were men and women in trenchcoats and bowler hats holding an umbrella or simply dashing across the street to avoid getting soaked. I was the onlooker. Just standing right infront of an old and what seemed to be monumental building. I remember vaguely that my heart was racing and I was in fear. They were sadistic thoughts of what I think happens in the building. I don't know, maybe somehow I was afraid of my impending beckoning from the evil within.

Anyway, preview day for NPAP is this Saturday and I need to calm the fug down. I need a dress, and heels to go along with it. I really don't wanna buy any (cos I would probably never wear them again) but I really need them.

All in all, I felt a spectrum of emotions today. But I would enjoy it if it ended on a lighter note... Suddenly the world decides to blow a thick layer of heavy soot at me and set me to questioning if whatever I am feeling is rational or not. Saosin's Seven Years is very apt, but not really 'the' song right now.

Keep it in the queue.

2011-03-27T16:54:00.000+08:00

Saosin - Seven Years

I haven't felt like this for quite some time now. Warm in my core like that's the only part of my body that radiates with a glow like the sun. I mean nothing is ever for certain but, this, this, emotion or feeling, it courses through every vein, right down to the capillaries, soaked in every pulse that palpitates. It's fueled with so much passion I can only manage to channel it all out with sudden seizures of shrieks or flailing of arms. Like right now, I just shivered despite the humid atmosphere. I haven't felt so pure like this in so long. Pure, but with so much of confusion and insecurities. But no matter, I'll stick to what I have, what I can afford, just so I can remember how this feels.

Helpless.

2011-03-26T22:31:00.002+08:00

I am sorry I know I am not supposed to talk about cats but really...... This horny cat needs to get neutered. And this whole mating has been going on for more than half and hour but I guess because there hasn't been any penetration because the female is bloody pregnant. God leave her alone.

Aww just look at that. From 2007 I think? I can't really recall. But it was the year New Town decided to have some kind of Blue Ants thing and I was the intermission bitch who sang hero by Mariah Carey. It was a terror because of the number of people in the audience. But it was nothing compared to what I experienced today. Singing even if it was just for a rehearsal, at the parade square at Home Team Academy, shook the cells out of me. I literally went numb but I was trembling. It was so impossible. I felt like vomiting and running away as far from that place as possible due to my nervousness. There was at least 400 people around, I absolutely lost it. But of course it only happens for the first part of the first song, so thank God. Still it was nothing less than nerve-wracking.

Currently.

Goodbye furry felines.

2011-03-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

This is scary I have been talking about cats in my last 3 posts and I am afraid this will snowball into a sad routine of my future being about cats.. And being alone. So I will no longer update about cats for the next 4 or 5 posts. Well at least until all the cat pictures are on the next page or something.

Anyway, housing prices aren't that bad in certain areas. Convenient, and still not too pricey. The scary thing is the COV (Cash On Value). I need all the prayer I can get so we get more luck in getting the perfect future home.

P/S: I really feel much smarter after acquiring such "adult rated" knowledge and actually understanding it.

Cats are happiest when full.

2011-03-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

As I was kneeling on my green mat after worshipping in my grandaunt's room, I glanced to my left and saw stacks of dust-covered maroon photo albums. So I thought, was this trespassing? But since I was the only one home... I picked a plastic album with the tacky holiday designs and flipped it open. It was photos of my grandaunt back then when she was way younger with her husband who died years ago. She was so beautiful, her skin was flawless, her hair curled repeatedly with the exact same diameter and elegance. I got so afraid of old age. Seeing her now, white-haired but with the exact same curls, it kinda hits you that a lifetime really isn't that long. No matter, she is still as valiant and as gay as she was in her past time pictures.

On another note. The cats here are extremely loving. Egoistic as they are waving their long-furry cat tails at me after a meal, they trust my family quite easily. Perhaps it's because we choose to befriend them and give them the occasional mega-stroking like how my brother taught us to. They're just the most down to earth cats I have ever met. But still, I miss my cold-hearted short tailed feline. Nuni hasn't really adjusted well to my aunt's place. She's biting and scratching people (not like her personality at all) and eating like an anorexic cat. And I am beating myself up over and over again thinking about how miserable she is. She needs us, she needs to know we still love her and that everything is alright. God I cannot even fathom how insecure she is right now. Tomorrow needs to come around a little faster.

Paranoid nanny.

2011-03-21T12:13:00.000+08:00

I'm sitting up here all like, greasy and useless with Arcade Fire serenading to me. Like the moment hits me telling me I am not really much of a thing at all. Like a fat, fat cat who had a little too much tuna or ocean fish sitting, nay lazing, on a patch of grass in the morning sun. Just meaning nothing to the world.
It felt pathetic for a while but, then John Mayer came on and life isn't that bad.

Meet KG. The father to Buttercup who is currently pregnant by him or Airky, I dont know. Freaking incests, cats. But yeah, KG. I get worried every time a loud clang or a loud thud goes off as if a 5 KG (pun intended) rice sack fell to the ground. I always have these nightmarish imaginations that Pooch whom by the way is pregnant as well or Buttercup is trapped underneath this metaphoric rice sack and would just die helpless with her still borns still inside of her. I would run to the source of the sound and make sure no furry mammal is stuck beneath it. Thank God they're all fine.

Silly cat is silly.

2011-03-20T01:23:00.002+08:00

So many things have been happening lately. I bought a nice pair of shades for 10 bucks, my cat was sent away to my relative's place for care taking while we're in our temporary house, I finally finished my demo and that's it.

A little too big for my face? I honestly think it's fine.

I miss my cat quite terribly. Although she really is a prick which is why we have to temporarily shift her off somewhere alien to her, I miss her. She is the most silly, grooming-obsessed cat I have ever owned and known. But we'll be visiting her and of course we are not disowning her, so all is well.

Please pardon my cinematography. Apparently I can only capture moments that matters with either my Nokia E71 or my Macky (MacBook).

So the cat above this paragraph is Buttercup, a pregnant 1 year and a few months old cat. She looks like a baby and if it were to be in human terms, she is like a pregnant teen mom. And no, she isn't my cat she is my aunt's cat who's place I am currently living in. Do not be deceived by her small head and pretty eyes (which are not very detectable here), she gives quite a bite. Probably one of the contributing factors to why my cat fell into a short-term depression (of 2 days) being in a house with her and her mother (Pooch, who is temperimental) and KG, her dad.

2011-03-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

So this is what it's come to.

2011-01-16T01:06:00.000+08:00

As of tomorrow you wil be gone cyber space.

Take your last breaths.

2011-01-05T21:48:00.003+08:00

It is extremely amusing to see histories collide once again and hopefully fall back into one piece.
Such a sadist.
Hahahaha apparently I still remain an enemy.
But honestly, I couldn't give a single intercourse about it at all.
However gross, but amusing.

2010-11-15T21:19:00.002+08:00

Time has made me move on.
It's over. All of the turmoil the guilt.
Non whatsoever.
I'm not sorry I feel this way.

I'm the hero of the story don't need to be saved.

2010-09-27T15:16:00.002+08:00

No ones got it all.
No ones got it all.
But I wish you did something to not leave this black mark on me.
But it doesn't matter no more, cos it's too late.
And she don't mean a thing.
You ought to be ashamed but still being as forgiving as I am,

2010-09-18T02:04:00.002+08:00

oh my gosh.
when is this freaking turmoil going to end?
why can't i just feel at peace for once?
why does it damn war have to go on and on and on?
when will it stop?
it is driving me crazy.
it hurts.
i am mentally deranged.
please, someone please help me.
please, i beg you make it stop.
just make it stop.

2010-09-16T01:16:00.001+08:00

I don' know what I just did or what I am about to do.
Don't make it sound as if I have my head cleared and all of this planned out, cos I don't.
All I know, if I am sure to make a mistake, I will let myself learn from it.

I hope you're reading this cos I am nothing but an awkward chicken around you now.
We really need to sort this out and yes, I am being a coward.

Reality.

2010-09-15T01:47:00.002+08:00

I need to realise that certain things are just temporary and that I need to face the consequences.
I don't know how right I am in trying to fix this but I guess it's just life.
But how many times do you actually use life as an excuse of your mishaps?
Oh God, hear my plea.

Dyan Hidayat Bin Ismawi, Happy 17th Birthday. I'll see you at lunch.
I love you forever through thick and thin <3

Fickle?

2010-09-12T00:46:00.002+08:00

I am very indifferent....
Hmm.
My emotions/moods/anything related to feelings fluctuating so frequently.

As livejournal terms would say,
Current Music: Katy Perry - Thinking Of You

Hah, then the next song? God knows.

Transferral.

2010-09-04T23:50:00.003+08:00

K I just can't get enough of all the time to myself.
I really like being alone.
At least right now.
Inserts arguments here.
But right now really, all I need is myself.
I mean it's easier that way too.

This ol thang.

2010-09-01T19:36:00.002+08:00

So fkin annoyed at nothing right now.
Damn you hormonessssss.
Srsly damn angsty. Se-ri-ous-ly.

Forget it.

2010-08-21T02:30:00.002+08:00

He is everything I look for in a man.
Forget what you are, I'd totally marry you.

Confession.

2010-08-21T02:19:00.002+08:00

I have a confession.
I am in love with someone else.

Neil Patrick Harris.
I am done for.

A cat.

2010-08-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what is it that gives me the strength to hold on.
Esther mentioned commitment.
What is it?
The love songs, the future in film?
The uncertainty of others?
The same thoughts recurring?
But life is different now.

Could it be.. The only thing that remains permanent?

chee to the bye

2010-08-05T01:09:00.001+08:00

You know, this angsty feeling, really needs to fuck off right about now.

You want me to express myself.
Leave me a-fucking-lone.

What do you think?

2010-07-30T13:07:00.003+08:00

I think I have reached the stage where all your analogies are kept to yourself.
The stage where sharing is causing selfishness to yourself?
I don't know. I feel, indifferent.
On the other hand, GraComm is over. LIKE OVER.

WebGra, MarComm, LocVid and MedSoc left.
Cmon Smooth Crew.

This holidays I just want to sit down with my guitar and Abg Jo and just write.
You know, just write.
Personal quality time.
I don't want to worry when I don't have to.
It's unhealthy.

And hey everyone don't forget to take everything with a pinch of salt ok?
Have a hint of pessimism in every optimistic thing.
We're all a tick closer to death.
It scares me.

Disturbed.

2010-07-09T22:57:00.000+08:00

I don’t know who to trust.
I don’t even know if I can trust anyone.
This is utterly pressurizing and just plain depressing.
I don’t need anymore shit in my hands now.
I don’t even know who to need anymore…

Have I become this shallow?

Yay.

2010-06-26T15:25:00.002+08:00

Here is an update.
Yesterday, 25th June I woke up at 10 am did some work and had a nap from 1pm till 3pm.
After 3pm, I was awake all the way till 6am today 26th June.
I slept at 6.15am and had an extremely interrupted sleep, I finally woke up near noon.

This is how screwed up my sleeping schedule is.

Never ending.

2010-06-21T23:45:00.001+08:00

There wasn't a moment of today that you weren't on my mind.

I won't take too long.

2010-06-21T16:47:00.002+08:00

Thank you for trusting.
I promise I won't drift too far.
I promise I won't go astray.
And I promise to come back.

Hello junior.

2010-06-18T23:47:00.002+08:00

You have very well crossed the line.
But I still hope you forgive me and not bear this grudge on me.

There are some things you are assuming and they are not true.
So yeah, I pray you forgive me and let me die in peace some day.

Tonight tonight.

2010-06-13T00:07:00.002+08:00

Tonight is slack night.
I don't care what you are going to say,
but tonight is slack night.
I don't care what you gonna judge,
tonight is slack night.

And may I say,
hell yeah tonight's slack night.

Hmm dare I fathom?

2010-06-05T23:38:00.003+08:00

So does this mean that nowadays you cannot share happiness anymore?
Woah I am sick and tired man.
Maybe now I know how you feel when you say contradiction.
Pfffft I bet we are gonna end up fighting again.

That's what she said.

2010-05-30T02:05:00.001+08:00

Jojo said.

“anyw i cant imagine how ppl juggle r/s and studies.”

So I said,

Well, its really like carrying a laptop in one hand and a cup of water in another with a bag on your side or your back in a crowded bus where you have to stand and you got nothing to hold on to cos you cant hold on to stuff with your hands full. Then sometimes the bus will jerk and you’ll almost fall or fall but you’ll get up for the rest of the journey.
Sometimes this bus journey ends, and you can drop the cup of water but then, you get thirsty after some time and you start to wish you had that cup of water in your hands so you can drink from it anytime if you feel thirsty on the bus ride even if you got nothing to hold on to on the jerky bus.

I'm pretty much hurt right now.

2010-05-30T01:18:00.002+08:00

I have a tumblr also. But it's contents will differ somewhat from what I have here.
Anyway, life's pretty hectic.
Got lots of stuff to do.
Editing I and II for LocVid,
Bauhaus postcards (3 freaking postcards),
MedSoc debate research (though not too urgent),
MarComm presentation next week.

And that is quite a few stuff already being tackled down already.

Ahh promo test tmr. >:(

Don't pull my nerve.

2010-05-23T19:04:00.002+08:00

I am so angry right now, cursing wouldn't make me feel better.
I am a psycho path. But actually, I just couldn't make myself feel happy.
So eff this shit right here.

How to survive?

2010-05-18T00:24:00.004+08:00

Sufi is leaving for the states from 24th May till 2 June.
HOW TO SURVIVE?

Argh. He needs a Mac.

Sufi if you are reading this,
I am suffering from cold turkey. Heheheheheh.
Honoured tak? This whole post is about you :)

Shots shots shots.

2010-05-16T12:12:00.002+08:00

You know it just occurred to me that Jolene calls me midget and last night it was really weird when she called me Fizah.
Damn not a good thing.
I wanna attend a gig. Been a long time since I did anyway.
Massive project bombings. Damn, we got a longggg way Smooth Crew.
Hang in there.
Pardon me for the moodswings yesterday, was the hormones, seiously.

Sufi, I miss you<3

P/S

2010-05-15T01:22:00.002+08:00

Oh and shut up don't tell me I am running on low battery.
I can see the damn thing turn red.

Snap put of it.

2010-05-15T01:19:00.002+08:00

This hormonal drama has got to stop.
The mood swings are making me reallll pissy.
I feel cold and heartless,
and just plain mean.
I really do not want to messed around with right now.
Eff this weekend. It should be a good one,
but I am effing pissed for no effing reason.
Hormones, stop, you're pissing me off.

Broken.

2010-05-12T22:48:00.002+08:00

I did not really have a jolly good day and it is the worst time to get me to do anything.
Please, why me?
Why did I make that decision last year?
Because I was stupid.
Still am though.

Motivation.

2010-05-08T00:26:00.003+08:00

It's the end of 3rd week of school and I am already stuck in some of the projects that I am doing. Seriously not good. Determination + Self-Study = Determination to Self-Study. Being independent is essential now. Jojo up there is one of the reasons school is something I look forward to. Thank you for making me smile everyday Jojo. Less than 3 you.
We should make this study date one day every week end. It works for me, and I feel less lost when I do my projects. Mostly cos Jojo will clear my doubts. Jia Yi just reminds me of the rest of my homies and how I miss the times we had.
One best way to distress is to have Diva around. Double Ds is so lovable in a very irritating and whiny way, but I strangely love it. The first person I talked to in DPA and turned out to be one heck of a homie. Hmm, also seems like the attic is our usual lepak place.
Like I said, I owe this girl a lot. Iced Horlicks isn't enough to show my appreciation for her existence in my life. All the support she gave me during my downs, all the patience she had when I am angsty and all the love for laughter she shares whenever you run out of things to do. Thanks for always being there for me and showing me so much concern. I really appreciate it. And thanks for being there for me during my radio show for the whole 2 hours, you are the sweetest.
And of course Sufi. Yes we haven't met up a lot but we do manage to. Actually when I opened up my laptop I saw Sufi's post it he gave me that said Jia You! and that just boosts the motivation. I wanted to take a photo of it on photobooth but apparently the light totally ruined it. Can't see a single thing. Hmm, we realised we are both very very different. But I want you to know that no matter how different we are, this spark is always there remaining irrevocable. Less than 3 you too Sufi.

Well, this is me ranting, I'm gonna get back to MarComm now. Pffffft.

DPA Love.

2010-04-30T12:22:00.004+08:00

Once again,

another gathering with the DPA gang, this time an official one.

It was like a mini prom with almost everyone dressing up so AWESOMELY.

And yes, the 3 months changed my life in epic proportions, cos now I have homiez that I know I'll never lose. Love ya'll to the max.

Edwayne your speech just triggered the tap in my eyes, thank you so much for the effort.

Guess who got the heatwave?

Jojo and I made it! :D

Woot wooooot~

Today's the start of some heaty heaty heatwave training. Ohhhh~

Now go!

Keziah.

2010-04-25T23:13:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes we take more than we can give,
because other times you give more than you take back."

So she said,
"And for you I'm always here."

So now I tell you Keziah,
"I love you is a freaking understatement."

It all came to this.

2010-04-22T02:49:00.002+08:00

It's come to this.
The final stretch.
In lesser than 10hours, this fear will be over.

Thank you to my homiez, Jojo, Arin, Ira, Dihar, Jia Yi, Kezzie, Jadon and Khabir.
The support is very much appreciated.

I managed to save myself.
Watching the DPA videos brought me tears,
because I was so caught up with this I forgot the things that truly made me happy.
I forgot what happiness was like for a while.

I'm getting back on track,
and in these few moments,
you're gonna see me strong,
like you couldn't imagine.

To you,
I managed to pull myself out from this quicksand.
I'll pull you out next if you'd take my hand,
it's been there all this time.

Aiyo.

2010-04-18T12:05:00.000+08:00

I feel like crap.
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP.

:(

2010-04-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

It's like I did something wrong.
Hais.
Too tired to comprehend.
:(

Awesngness.

2010-04-16T01:59:00.000+08:00

I really don't care about whatever anyone wants to say,
but I love the Twilight Saga.
Love it.

Reminder.

2010-04-14T01:04:00.002+08:00

You're special like a rocket, through me.
Sufi, I truly miss you.

Some part of me.

2010-04-08T11:07:00.001+08:00

"I'm cold and I am shamed,
lying naked on the floor.
Illusion never changed into something real.
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is
torn.
You're a little late,
I'm already torn."

Tell me.

2010-04-05T21:59:00.001+08:00

Am I really such a bad person?
Bee tell me.

Questions again?

2010-04-04T12:49:00.002+08:00

Why oh why?
Do these tears emerge?
For some untold reason,
this heavy heart needs some rescuing.
And John Mayer's Daughters is somehow relieving but it's too intensed.
But I know I am too tired to cry,
because I shouldn't have a reason to.
Everything is in its place,
and yet.....

Possessive over possession.

2010-04-04T04:19:00.002+08:00

I seem to find tranquility at this hour.
No no not good. I'm gonna end up with lots of zits.

And it seems to me only at this hour I am overwhelmed by thoughts of you.
My concoction of emotions even I don't understand.
But it's nice.
It's like a black and white photograph of a cut finger with only the blood stained red.
It's nostalgic but I don't think I felt it before.
Perhaps as an emotion separately, it's already been etched in my brain.

This is different.
The feeling's been thrown altogether into one organ that never stops beating until you die;
it's called the heart. Not a heart, The Heart.
Somehow everything that you consider feelings gets dumped in this organ.
It's so strong isn't it?
Can you imagine, simultaneously pumping blood all over and untangling the complexity of emotions which actually becomes more complex when you attempt to untangle it?

Of course I don't mean it literally,
the brain would get offended.

Painless.

2010-04-04T02:22:00.002+08:00

A whirlpool of thoughts,
strings a single statement.
Walking right up to a mirage,
seeing it morph into reality.
A different picture altogether.
I thought it was real,
but I reached out to touch nothing.
Not even a fantasy.
The brutality of reality's existence.

Future?

2010-04-02T01:46:00.001+08:00

I might get too used to this relaxed lifestyle.
When Sem starts, it ends.
Oh no.

"It's only the beginning."